Daily Trixie

puff happiness talk ❤ insight timer stretch & listen to get remaining golden trumpet forest minutes for daily challenge

reminded of realization today:
even though I don’t FEEL like everything is going to be ok, doesn’t mean everything isn’t going to be okay (don’t believe everything you think/ feel … also I don’t have to have an opinion, or FEELING, about everything … just don’t add to the suffering, even when everything is so hard-feeling & overwhelming & hopeless … just do the work & leave the results to god)

Three apps/features/tools I’m using the most throughout the day lately that help me get started, stay focused, and push through resistance:

*Forest app: especially with their new daily focus challenges that really brought me back into using it and sticking with it and planting more trees throughout the day

*visual timer(s): sometimes two at a time, even. In conjunction with the tree planting on Forest, I’m staying on task better (& making clearer decisions about what I intend to do). I love their tangibility and simplicity.

*Fitbit’s Cardio Load feature: the assessments, tracking, advice it gives me daily, and variability based on what I’ve actually been doing has helped me lately more than step goals (though the hourly get up and move reminders and small hourly goal is also a big manageable motivator for me). I find it really rewarding and feel really good about myself when I exceed my target, and really feel a huge burden lifted when it frequently sets my target very low because “you’ve really been pushing yourself lately”. It makes it clearer to me when I need recovery time and rest, and takes the second-guessing out when I actually decide to do just that.

When I miss out on real solitary odd days, I accrue debts that need to be paid, one way or another.

I wonder if you can put time into a solitude 401k the way you can with sleep? That might work, too, or help a little when I know I’m going to be in for peopled immersion on odd days / too many days in a row. There’s definitely a limit, though, to how much you can sock away in advance.

Regardless, it’s costly. And the only way to really be able to count on myself to take care of it is to have more money, and less debt. Otherwise it’s expensive and stressful for everyone I’m close too, particularly my wife.

Tomorrow is the end of another week.

Was any of it worth anything?

Actually, yeah, probably. Was it perfect? No. Was it “enough”? Nothing ever is. But it was worth it if you don’t measure everything by how much money it does (or doesn’t) make.

Tomorrow is another chance to prepare for the week ahead. And do better. Change.

Practicing clarifying visions of “the perfect day”:

A whole long gray day of rain. The only outside sounds I hear all day: raindrops falling and splashing down on all the surfaces surrounding and protecting me.

Doing nothing but listening to the rain. Feeling the coolness (and the comfort of being under my covers). Smelling fresh wet air.

The only movements I detect out of the corners of my eyes: rain falling. Light and shadows shifting.

Perfect, clean, nourishing rain. Falling on green things. Falling on brown things. Slivering through grey sky. Working their wet ways down to all the seeds I have planted, and many more I have not. Working their ways into root systems. And all I have to do is lie here and listen.

Look at the raindrops streaking down windows. Hundreds of little magnifying circus bubbles to gaze through. Nobody to correct me about bubbles vs droplets.

My own home clean, cozy, organized, and all stocked up for reading.

Lots of leftover Thai and Vietnamese food in the fridge to heat up whenever I want. Yellow curry. Broth and lime and basil. Slippery little noodles that may now be a little sticky. Tofu and peanut gravy. Spicy this and that. Peachy iced tea.

Reading (a) good book(s). Microwaving whatever I want whenever I’m hungry for it. Not seen by anyone. Not talking to anyone. Just the grey and silver blue rain, with maybe an hour or two of golden breaks reflecting and shimmering in puddles cupped by salal leaves. On my protected evergreen property. Expansive gardens. Forested acreage. While I sit in our compound at the safest center of it all or maybe for this one in my very disconnected super-detached concrete block solo safe haven far enough away from our HoverSleigh studios spaceship house that I can’t hear my wife playing her bass and other music, but close enough I can wander over for one meal or more. And she likes it and she loves me and the sky gets darker while the rain keeps falling and we don’t do anything except listen and fall asleep.

Maybe then we wake up in the middle of the night while it’s still raining and go out naked to our hot tub and soak in those hot bubbles while the rain wets the tops of our heads and shoulders. We listen to the rain falling and the spring peepers. We have giant tumblers of icy cucumber water and take great confident comfort in knowing we are living our best life, naked and alone with each other and the frogs, outside in the rain in the middle of the night after a long quiet rainy day.

All our bills are paid. Our land is shielded and protected. Nobody is waiting for a call from either one of us. We are not expected to be anywhere tomorrow or the next day. There is nothing that need doing except rainy day and rainy night living.

All the wonderful seeds are germinating. I know that in the weeks and months to come there will be an abundance of beauty and returns on all my work and investments.

Just one perfect day out of many.

Why does it always feel like the more I do and get done, the more there is left to do?

Like … the harder you work, the farther behind you fall.

The more habits and guidelines and STRUCTURE you build into your day, the less energy and stress you waste agonizing over making (bad) decisions.

You’d think at fifty-one years old I’d have a lot of this shit locked in, but I’m still working on it.

One thing I decided many years ago to structure my days around is POOPING. Allowing for plenty of time and behaviors to do that first; NOTHING is more important than pooping. A healthy, happy, and successful life cannot be had without regular poops.

It seems most people do not even have to think about pooping, let alone design their lives around making it happen; their bodies get the job done without the need for huge lifestyle interventions. I, on the other hand, have had a hard time pooping my whole life.

I’m still getting a handle on why pooping doesn’t come easily to me, so I still haven’t succeeded in building a daily routine and approach to scheduling and boundaries that leas to being able to reliably poop every day.  Over the past few years it’s become clearer to me that my brain and body perceive and process data and stimuli differently than most people, so I spent the majority of my first ~25 years of life in chronic fight or flight mode with my digestive and reproductive systems taking a shut-down back seat to just trying to survive. I still have a lot if work to do to build accommodations into life and work with this reality in mind, and without compromise, judgment, or shame.

They (experts!) say not to consume stimulants like caffeine after a certain point in the day if you want to get a good night’s sleep. But if your brain is wired wacky like mine is, stimulants often have a paradox effect. For some of us, Ritalin, caffeine, and other “uppers” actually help us calm and quiet down and even get better sleep than if we hadn’t had any since lunchtime or whatever.

I guess all I really want to say is it’s bedtime now and I just had a pleasant, cleansing fecal blowout after a delicious after-dinner dessert coffee.

I’m going to sleep well tonight.

I just spent an hour clarifying how much weight I need to lose to win a “New Year, New You” diet bet game.

It’s a six month “game”, so I joined it in July. I haven’t “won” or hit any of the monthly targets so far, and I still have a substantial amount (for me) to lose to qualify for the last round. But I’m pretty happy about it, and feeling positive.

Even though I haven’t met any of the goals so far, I feel hopeful and am glad I invested in this weight loss game. I might not have met the gradual monthly goals so far, BUT spending $40 a month and being forced to weigh in monthly on the app (with a very clear goal number next to it) to insure a chance at winning the money back has kept me clear and accountable.

I may not have lost as much weight as I wanted to to win the monthly games and get lighter so far, BUT I have not gained weight. That is a big win for me, especially given how many defeats, failures, and episodes of shitty feelings I’ve experienced during this time. Those experiences could have easily resulted in substantial overeating, more poor food choices for comfort, and weight gain, but knowing we really could use the money back that I’ve spent on this game has not allowed me to just avoid looking at the scale. Seeing these stupid $40 dings monthly and feeling bad about it means I really want to show my wife it is worth it, for one thing. I guess being broke is motivating me as much as the actual game and promise of feeling less weighed-down. So I keep weighing in, and not burying my head in the sand.

Today I did actually meet a significant little milestone, leaving the 140s behind. I know it is insignificant-sounding (and potentially unhealthy) to other people, but it’s a big deal to me. Being over 140 (and over 150 at times) is for sure unhealthy and not natural-feeling for my body and frame and bone structure. The habits that put me in that bracket hurt my pancreas and other organs and systems. The pain in my feet and ankles and hips is real. The way my guts and stuff are being squeezed by excess fat is uncomfortable, to say the least. Those are real things, that are not in my imagination or a result of “diet culture” or any of that.

As far as dailiness and planning and time management goes, this particular dietbet has been a great learning and practicing experience for me. I am one of these people who needs a long runway — a VERY long runway — to really transition into tasks and projects. I also have a hard time creating clear concise measurable goals and benchmarks to work towards. It seems that I need to start wrapping up the year early — VERY early — to get ready for the next year, and to wind up on December 31st feeling like I actually accomplished something I can be proud of. I need more than the holiday season to prep for starting January off on the right foot.

I feel really excited to have very specific numbers I need to reach on a weekly and even daily basis to meet my (achievable and healthy) weight loss goal to begin a new year. I love seeing the numbers laid out on the spreadsheet I just made, and knowing I really don’t have a lot of wiggle room OR complicated decisions to make this month when it comes to food, rest and exercise. With a modicum of attention, discipline and purposeful enjoyable activity, I know I am going to feel better and go into the new year leveled up, lighter, and more confident and proud of myself that at least I can accomplish something.

Back in May I posted about the relief of my wife beginning a job with a predictable set schedule, and how hopeful I felt about finally being able to plan my days, weeks, and months into the future.

After months of enjoying and getting accustomed to that, I have not, however, experienced a hugely noticeable boost in my productivity, planning efficacy, or well-being. I haven’t accomplished more. I haven’t made more money. And in many ways my sense of self has gotten worse, not better. With even more freedom and predictable uninterrupted solitude, I again feel even worse and more down on myself for not having managed to solve all of our problems during this time.

Yes, that’s kind of crazy. Maybe I should give myself more time. But honestly I just need relief from this burden of being my own boss. I want to have a normal job that I go to, and come home from. I want to get a paycheck, and have it go towards taking care of US instead of rolling it all back into taking care of our work, trying to keep our business afloat.

I want to not feel guilty every single second of the day that I am home and not working. I do not want to feel all the time like I *should* be working, 24/7.

After almost a quarter of a century, it’s enough already.

I’ve got to stop posting on Instagram. What good is it?

Omg seriously now it’s not even saving the media you post locally?

I’m so tired of (not) managing my “assets” properly, thoroughly, or findably.

I do like journaling, in a way, with snippets of copyrighted music, though.

And it did make me really happy when “White Chocolate” threw a heart up on my rambly emo post today.